Why now?

Why Seminary, Why Now?

I came to seminary for several reasons one that sticks in my mind first is the desire for validation, people will judge you by what you know or what you don't know. They judge you for not having letters behind your name and put you in a group you don’t want to be in. I can be acknowledged in my calling in some settings and in others not even appearing as I exist. Spending years in pulpit supply ministry and being encouraged to go to school because somehow what I am is not enough. Being brown skinned and being woman, the deck is already stacked against me when it comes to my audience. I have been ignored because of both. I have been underestimated because of both. I have been discouraged because of both. It is in the discouragement, in the being ignored that I chose to do something for myself for the first time in a long time. I wanted to be well rounded in my studies and knowledge of Christ and I felt that seminary would afford me that opportunity. I would have done it sooner, but I felt that I could not financially. 

The doors began to open financially and it seemed to affirm to me that I was right where I needed to be and God would provide the means necessary to see this dream until the end. I needed a more solid form of consistent education and knowledge because for way too many years training under so many different pastors at my church we would start meeting as a ministerial team, studying together and growing only for something to happen that would ultimately end the progress and be non-existent. I wanted something lasting that I had more power and control over its direction. I would have the power and control to say when it would end.  

A desire to be more knowledgeable for those I serve was another reason that I came to seminary. I owe it to God, to the people and myself to be my best self and that can only be done by entering into a covenant to learn. I accept that I don't know and haven't been exposed to everything I need to know as a minister and the exposure that I will receive in seminary will challenge me, provide accountability as well as impart some great understanding of what I truly say I am called to do.

Knowing the direction you are to go in life, committing and walking in that direction is a whole different story. There have been those that have encouraged me in this direction and there have been those that I have lost along the way. I can tell you the exact moment when things began to change and I am thankful that God gave me little things along the way to help me stay the course. But I acknowledge that I did have a grieving period experiencing lost friendships. The gifts of God have been precious; he gave me a morning devotion time in the car on the way to work, which was originally spent with my best friend preparing for the day. God used a co-worker in my life as a new friend to talk to as I lost the best friend to change. God so graciously gave me time to grieve the loss of the friendship and slowly made the friendship with my co-worker more evident. God gave me my first church in confirmation that I am on the path that God would lead me. It was months that God prepared me for the moment because I went from not wanting to leave my home church to being in complete peace with it. I know that it was all God that I have peace. God gifting me by breaking every excuse I had why I could not begin this journey and the steps in faith have been a blessing. 

I acknowledge an anxiety and a moment of panic realizing I would have to leave the comforts of a home church where God has been writing the signs on the wall, it was time for me to move on. I acknowledge making excuses of why I couldn’t further my education. Every reason I grasped for God blew apart.

Excuses:

1.      I can’t go because I can’t afford to get my transcripts from undergraduate school. They won’t release them because I still have a perkins grant to pay.

2.     I can’t go because I don’t have the money for the application fee.

3.     I can’t go because I don’t have money for books or school.

4.     I can’t go because I can’t afford to lose weeks off work to go to orientation and more.

How is it that I was able to not only get my transcripts released from a school that claimed I owed them money, but I had the money to pay for them as well. I looked at the website for Phillips and it was no application fee if I applied by a certain time. I work at a textbook company and was able to borrow more than half the books I needed for school. Then to top things off I received four scholarships more than enough to cover my cost of school, the extra books and travel to school. Not only did I go to orientation, the sacrifice of a week’s lost wages is nothing compared to the journey I began in August. God is humorous I must say because this time in our lives have been the most financially stable that we’ve had our entire marriage (12) + dating time of 3 years.

            I have peace in my decision, but not peace in my ability. I questioned my ability to rise to the occasion of the coursework that lay before me.  Excuses come to mind again! Wondering if I would not doubt my own ability if I had not over extended myself, if my platter was not overflowing at the beginning of seminary. The pattern of educational greatness has followed me all my life, so why question now.  In June I was called to fill the pulpit in a church 45 minutes from my home, in addition to serving them I was currently serving my home church as the Outreach Minister, working full time, married and wearing too many hats. So taking on 10 ½ hours my first semester in I would say was doing too much, almost sidetracking me at the start of what was to be the most exciting time of my life.  Struggling for weeks to find balance between it all I learned to set boundaries real quick and not apologize for them, I learned to do self-care and not apologize for it, I learned to spend necessary time with family when the opportunity presented itself and felt better for it. I can say like many other things in life that I learned from that. Going into enroll for the Spring semester I remembered the pain in August and enrolled in 6 ½ hours understanding that in the next couple of weeks I will be signing my letter of calling, meeting with the Commissioning Ministry Team and transitioning someone else into Outreach at my home church.

            I come to this established educational plan with the understanding that I bring a lot of knowledge, black girl magic, baggage, bad habits, obsessive tendencies and all will be embraced as I take this journey of faith. I don’t know how I’ll make it to the end, but I trust that I will be better for it. When I sit down and be still, God speaks to me. I can’t wait to tell you what has been said in writing my story, but I can’t begin to share until I step out on faith once again. As I empty my platter I learn to put down things that have no lasting meaning and I open myself up to God’s design.

My question for the group: As I begin to go deeper in my studies, how do I convey to the two people that I share space with that I’m not ignoring them? In my space I share with my husband and my mother in-law.

A Spiritual Advisor

One would think that having a conversation with a Spiritual Director would be a easy week, but that is not the case for me. I had a road block in this area and was not sure how to approach the conversation. I chickened out and invited my husband along for the conversation. He always has something to say and I felt within the safety of the room that I'd be able to say what needed to be said. Well that didn't quite work out in the beginning because he has so much to say, I couldn't talk if I wanted to. When the attention was placed in my court with a spot light, I wanted to run and hide. I think I wanted to flee because I felt that I was going to be told, yes its time for me to leave. To my relief that is not what happened, so now I feel like when it is time to leave it will be because God says its time and not because someone is trying to force me out. Bishop reassured me that Fifth Street will always be my home and that no matter where I go I can always come home. Whew, wasn't that a load off my mind.

Minority in Worship

In my worship setting I am a minority. There are several things that are similar to my experience in the African American church. Sacraments are observed with the same level of intimacy and respect. Some of the songs are very familiar in nature and some are even sung the same.
What I miss is having a choir to set the atmosphere. I also miss having the talk back during the sermon, so that you know that people are engaging. I think I miss that as much as I do not having a choir. I pray for balance, wisdom and the opportunity to be me in my skin.

Holding my peace

My spiritual ministry practice this week was going to be a day of silence. That did not work out so well as I had planned, so much of what I do requires me to communicate verbally. So I decided that as I served for the free community meal I would not get into any arguments with my family. I would allow everyone to serve in their area of expertise without interference from me. I almost was not successful because of my mother law counting the sacks. I had tried to explain to her  there was no need to count the number of sacks because I planned out exactly 100. I purchased exactly 100 bags of chips and 100 sweet treats to go into the sacks, we would clearly know when we were at 100 by when those items were gone.

Well that was not what she was trying to do, she was trying to count how many brown paper sacks could fit into the carrying boxes. So it was not her goal to get to 100, it was her goal to see how many she could fit into the boxes for delivery.  

What did I learn from this? Many of our disagreements stem from us not listening to one another. Both of us are so sure we're right that we don't take time to listen to one another. I think that this has become more apparent since she moved in with us. Its hard to have 2 grown women with strong personalities under one roof, with a male that loves us both caught in the middle. On my part I can do my best to live at peace with her. I can take more time to listen to what she is saying, instead of how she is saying it. I can take a deep breath and not get emotionally charged every time we have an exchange. Though I didn't get to spend my day in silence, I did learn that I need to be silent at times. I'd say that's a lesson that couldn't have been learned if I was in total silence as I had intended. 

Beyond what I see

How do I have faith, when I cannot see the end

When what I see is blurry and I don't know who to depend

Life is filled with uncertainty, life is filled with what ifs

And yet I get up each morning, willing to take the stiffs

The stiff climbs and low valleys, long streets and dark alleys

I grab my bible, reach for a prayer and rally

Just functioning outside the box, running from the old way

And yet I get up each morning, to kiss a brand new day

How do you have faith, when you cannot see the end

Test after test, medical is not my friend

So I depart from what I can see, its blurry anyway

When I get up each morning, thanking God and say

Whatever you will, let it be done

I hope to see, but I will not run

I have faith, that you'll take care of me

Even If when tomorrow comes I cannot see

I cannot see tomorrow, just as I couldn't see today

When I get up each morning, I'll thank God anyway

I don't know if it is a test of faith that I am walking in right now. 

The only thing I know for sure is I'll praise God anyhow. 

I'll praise him in the blurry sight, I'll praise him if I have none. 

I'll praise him always, until the setting of my sun

Don't Move

When you know who wins. Is it easier to Stand still? It began in Genesis and ends in Revelations. Do you know who wins? We win, so stand still. When God says move, you move. When God says Go, you go. I can hear my savior calling and as he moves me into position, why is he moving others too. I imagine it is because He is All-Knowing and all loving Father.  He is not a singular moving God, when He moves into action there are millions, trillions of moving parts. I won't get in the way of your Work.  I am a vessel you may use how you see fit.

What I love about my relationship with Him is how He speaks to me. When I am connected, I hear his voice so clearly. I hear Him now, calling me and He's moving me into position for Him. It is my prayer that as He purges things, people and places from my life that He fill those spaces ever so perfectly, ever so lovingly with His passion and purpose for Service.

I didn't understand or have any clue a few weeks back when Pastor was preaching and he read a passage about Mary saying," Behold, I am a servant of the Lord, let it be to me as you have said."  These words are found in Luke 1:38. I see now all too clearly, I feel it in my spirit. Lord, May it be to me according to your Word that You have said. Not as how a man might see me, NOT how women might see me, NOT how the World might see me. Lord MAY IT BE as YOU Have SAID.  Entering into a season of intercession for His church. IF I am found Faithful, He will answer. IF I am found lukewarm, inconsistent, asleep, He will answer. Lord, Find us Faithful in the things of Christ. Let every good and perfect gift come from You as You have declared. James 1:17

I declare healing over my mind, I declare healing over a hurting spirit. I declare and decree Freedom in this space.
Thank you, God, for trusting me enough to speak to me. The change I want to see must first begin in Me. I surrender Lord.

Off the Grid

 

 

So I have been missing in action a good three years on my writing. When I get down to

thinking about it in years, days and months, I can't believe I stopped.

I have missed having this type of conversational outlet.

 

I will start with an update overview of what happened to cause me to fall off the grid with my writing. It all started with the car accident that I was in February of 2011.  The car accident was the beginning of the end for several things in my life. I lost my writing and I lost my couponing. I just didn't have the physical ability to keep either one going. During 2012-2015 I was faced with some bone issues (Paget's Disease) that would lead me from seeing the top experts in their field in my location, then needing to travel to Rochester MN to the Mayo Clinic. Much like everyone else in the world I also experienced loss, loss of mobility and restrictions with my right hand and loss of family members that went on to Glory. My ministry expanded (I am a preacher) and I have been able to preach outside of my congregation these past years, which has really broadened my horizons.

 

Should you have any interest in learning more about my journey these years off the grid just leave a comment and I am sure I can revisit it.

 

Some people that live off the grid are not connected to the world at all. I was off the grid only in a couple areas, thank the Lord. I could not imagine going completely off the grid.

 

Todays topic we will look at Jonah or more specific Tarshish type living. You can read about Jonah in the book of Jonah. He received a Command, his life had purpose and meaning, he went the opposite direction that God told him to go. Once you know specifically what you are called to do in this world, you would think that it is quite clear how to proceed. This is not the case for many people. Knowing what you are called to do is only one piece of the puzzle.  It goes much deeper than that.  Acceptance of the calling, how to move forward and resources are some of the other key pieces that are necessary. It only complicates matters if you are not accepting the call on your life and you fall into Tarshish type living. Jonah went to Tarshish premeditated and determined not to go where he was called. Tarshish type living means that you are digging a ditch or more accurately you're in the middle of a storm on a sinking ship. Why do we waste time in Tarshish only to detour off the path? Is it a lack of confidence in our ability, or are we like Eve questioning did He really tell me to go to Nineveh?  Are we just that stubborn, hard headed and disobedient? Living outside the lines in Tarshish, outside the Will of God, leaves us empty and sitting in the belly of a fish wondering or better yet reviewing how did I get myself into this predicament.  How do I get myself out? Jonah experienced disobedience and anger. Jonah's Tarshish living was used by God to teach Jonah the preacher to be humble, to not be judgmental and to do What thus saith the Lord.

 

I don't know about you, but I do know that I don't want to live in Tarshish. We put ourselves at such great risk living outside the lines. God uses our living inside and outside the lines for his Glory. He teaches us and matures us through our fallible choices.